Befriending your Mind

My whole life, I always believed what I thought.

The problems started when my thoughts were getting darker and darker.

I didn’t know I had a choice with my thoughts. It was my mind, so the things I was telling myself must be true (is what I told myself)

When the contents of my mind became overpowered by negative thoughts, that is when the self destruction started to happen.

I needed to make it stop. The thoughts. The pain. The discomfort. The unending negativity. It was too much..I couldn’t do it anymore.

The obvious thing to do when this happens is reach for something that will stop this madness and reconnect me to the joy I used to feel.

That is what drugs and alcohol did for me. And it was the worst possible thing I could have done.

Drugs and alcohol make everything worse. Not at first, when the escape feels like freedom, but when you get knee deep into addiction and you start to go lower and lower and your thoughts are now darker than they have ever been.

You are chasing that feeling of being detached from all your pain and these substances trick you into thinking that they are helping you. You just need them to help you not feel, not think, not be in the angst of the present moment.

After two rehabs and gaining some knowledge about the disease of addiction, I was finally able to stop.

But once again, I was dealing with the dark contents of my mind. The substances were all removed, but I was still there.

When I was introduced to IFS,(Internal Family Systems) that is the moment I found a glimpse of hope. Hope that I could coexist with my mind that was trying to take me down.

In the book, No Bad Parts by Richard Schwartz, he explained the concept of the mono mind. He explains, “All of us are born with many sub-minds—or parts.” “These parts are not imaginary or symbolic. They are individuals who exist as an internal family within us—and the key to health and happiness is to honor, understand, and love every part.”

Mind blown.

My whole life, I thought I had a mind that had turned against me. After reading this book I realized that we are all made up of various parts and when those parts, especially the ones filled with pain and fear blend with our present self, they give us the negative messages they always have. And we remain a prisoner in our mind.

I could work with this. I could start to try to get in touch with the various parts within me that are causing me the most pain. This is a lot like inner child work but the process felt like something I could start doing immediately and took away the idea that I had one mind that had all the power.

After a year of doing this work and diligently working with my therapist, I can say that I am way more in control of my thoughts than I used to be.

Healing these parts and assessing what it is that they need has been life changing.

My mind went from being my master to being the vehicle to access my past traumas and ptsd.

Each day in my healing process I am learning how to befriend my mind and not fear it like I used to. This for me has been the biggest freedom because running from it and numbing it was never going to work.

And for that I am eternally grateful.

What no one tells you at the baby showers..

Today is graduation day for my ‘baby’, my youngest son. He graduated from 6th grade and this is bringing all the feels up to the surface today.

When I saw him walk in at the commencement looking so tall and grown up, I had flashbacks to his preschool graduation when he proudly said into the microphone, “Hi, I’m Cooper and I’m 4 and a half!”

I remembered all the school pick ups when he would see me from across the yard and run as fast as he could into my arms. I remember him wanting me to carry him everywhere we went and if anyone asked if they could hold him he would firmly state, “No! only Mama.”

“It goes fast” they say, “Enjoy every moment” they say….but what they don’t say is how heartbreaking and difficult it is to let go.

Let go of their youth, their favorite stuffed animals they could not go sleep without, the cuddles, the cute notes they make in school, their little voices calling you Mommy.

I know this is normal, the transitions, the necessary detachment but wow is it hard.

Cooper has this smile that can light up an entire room. He’s always been the little guy, the little brother, the one who would accompany his Dad and I to his older brother’s baseball games and school functions.

I think one of the hardest parts is knowing that it’s all different from here.

As a Mom I have had practice letting go, giving them their space to grow and navigate their own paths. I think the toughest part is learning to love them differently as they mature but in your eyes they are still just little boys.

As I celebrate Cooper today I know it’s just as important to allow myself to grieve.

As he says goodbye to 6th grade, I say goodbye the sweet little guy entering middle school that I had the pleasure of raising to this point. I feel gratitude for each and every small moment that will forever remain in my heart.

Falling From Grace…

It happens in an instant.

The pain, the hopelessness, the fear and the angst.

Life feels heavy, too heavy to deal with but you have to because you need to try to come across like everything is ok.

And it couldn’t be more NOT ok.

The fear lies in the center of your gut and pulls at your heart and it takes all you have to breathe.

The energy you had before is long gone and you desperately want that peace of mind back.

But you smile and you pretend and that makes it worse because you know this act is killing you inside.

You debate what you can do to escape and all the ideas are too drastic and permanent.

You close your eyes to feel some peace and wish the anguish away because it’s hurting your heart and stealing your soul.

At your core you know this is not who you are but you start to debate that because the darkness starts to swallow your entire being.

The only thing that allows you to keep going is the hope that the light will shine again soon.

You will survive this bout of depression and be stronger on the other side.

Don’t give up…the fight is worth it.

 

My Invisible Despair

The scary and saddest part about depression for me is how invisible it is.

I have become so good at hiding and masking my pain that even my doctors are perplexed.

See, I “want” to be okay, which to me is being at peace with my mind, body and spirit.

But my depression does not allow that as often as I would like.

Instead I am dying of emotional pain and despair on my insides while my outside demeanor shows a different story.

That ‘display’ is happy, outgoing, content and smiling.

The conflicting parts are continually at war and being honest about the truth of my actual state of being comes into question.

I was told the other day by my psychiatrist, “Courtney, you have such a happy demeanor, it’s very hard for me to tell when you are having a bad day or when you are depressed.”

When he said that it really bummed me out.

It made me realize that for OVER 20 years now, I have been a misrepresented & conflicted girl.

Why is it so easy for me to mask my pain?

If my pain were to show on the outside, I would look like a woman who has the worst rash you have ever seen. I envision it to look like I have poison ivy all over my body. Then it would be known that something was indeed up and I most likely would look like I need help.

I don’t know if it’s my pride or my ego or my shame around the truth about what goes on deep inside my mind, but all I can tell you is that this conflict makes the struggle harder.

I have set out on my own personal mission to speak my truth about suffering with Major Depression so that maybe I could possibly align my insides with my outsides.

Today I woke up feeling very low and like a 5 year old child I declared in my head, “I DON’T WANT THIS ANYMORE!” Like that would take it away. This has been going on since I turned 18. Little did I know that it would follow me around for the next 25 years like a loyal enemy.

I know deep in my heart the only thing that can help me is 100% acceptance of what is and my what is with depression is: low days, emotional pain, struggle to show up for my life, deep sadness, sickening despair, dark thoughts and unexplained dread.

That is why the stigma around Mental Health breaks my heart.

If you saw the brain image of a person with depression and an image of person without depression, you would clearly see there is no choice in this.

This is not a sign of weakness, laziness or craziness.

I consider myself a warrior, well, more like a peaceful warrior because I fight the fight against a disease that wants to take me down. I try to fight with Grace and Love because I am completely humbled by this degree of pain.

I look forward to when the sunny days outweigh the cloudy ones and for now, any moment I get of inner peace and stillness in my mind, I am OVERLY grateful.

Love and Light,

Courtney

 

When Our Pain Defines Us

We all have them.

The stories of what happened to us in the past; the trauma, the onset of mental illness, the break up, the major job loss, the divorce and the abuse.

We tell these stories over and over and over again. We share them with friends, therapists, 12 step groups, yoga teachers, anyone who asks about us and our past, we have these stories.

The sad part is, we BELIEVE these stories.

I defined myself by all of my stories. The rehabs (I’m now a weak alcoholic/addict), the abuse at home at an early age (I am not worthy of love), the abuse from boyfriends (I will never be safe), the onset of Major Depression (I am being punished. My life is not worthy of living), my divorce (I am a failure. I don’t know how to have real and intimate relationships)  and so on and so on.

These beliefs I started to take on as my own identity stayed with me, they became me and I was completely detached from the true me at the center of my being.

It wasn’t until I did massive, massive work on myself and I had a therapist ask me, “Courtney, what if everything you have been telling yourself is a lie?”

WHOA. That one hit me like a ton of bricks.

I could actually CHOOSE to see myself differently and then I could release these negative core beliefs and set myself free.

Free from myself, my past, my stories and mainly my pain.

I invite anyone who is identifying with the pain and suffering in their life to try to see it differently.

Change your perspective on the story you have been repeating your entire life and then STOP telling that story so you no longer have to relive it and beat yourself up.

Happiness and joy are our birthright and when we get mixed up and tangled in our stories we lose that.

Release the weight the stories are carrying in  your heart sweet soul.

A Day In The Life With Depression

 

It’s my voice but it is never kind to me.

They are my thoughts but they never support me.

All is dark, I am trapped, my body no longer moves the way it normally does.

I have tunnel vision and the tunnel is very dark and very scary.

I lose my ability to feel love, I can comprehend what it means but I can’t touch it or feel it.

Small things feel like enormous things and tucking away in isolation feels like the safest thing I can do.

Others tell me to reach out for help, but every fiber of my being is telling me not to, that no one can help me, it’s me, alone and this fight is a solo one.

Retreating from the world I find solace in my isolation, there no one can reach me, talk to me or try to make me show up for my life that I desperately need to hide from.

The fear is very real, I can tell myself clichés but the words and my feelings can’t seem to connect.

There is a circuit shortage in my brain and main disconnect is between my brain, my heart and my soul.

I can recall that I have so many amazing things to live for, but they seem very distant and unreal.

I am in this space again and I am not sure how long it will take to be over.

But it will end because it always does.

“Just hold on….”Just hold on sweet girl, you’ve got this”

Some Stories Take Longer To Heal

Ouch.

I woke up in a lot of emotional pain this morning and I know exactly why.

Last night I shared my past with a new friend of mine going into major detail of the traumas, the hurt, the despair and I basically felt like I relived each event.

I felt my heart shatter into pieces like it did for the first time and today I have been unable to breathe or move.

I always read that when you can share your story without crying, you know you have healed and I was able to tell my stories without tears, but the aftermath was a much different scenario.

The utter powerlessness when someone strips you of your innocence and your open heart are difficult moments to visit.

I felt the same feelings in my body where everything goes numb and the world comes crashing down on me.

I have done so much work on my demons and to see how they can take me down just like that makes me feel like I just stepped back 20 miles on my path to healing.

But I haven’t. I know that’s not true.

What’s true is that forgiving takes time, especially the ‘biggies’ the doozies that took you down for the count, sometimes for more years that you would like to admit.

I went to that place of resentment and anger towards a person who wronged me so badly when all I ever did was love them. I reverted back to that little girl again when I thought about how much my life may have turned out different if I didn’t experience physical abuse at home. I kept thinking, “Why, why did you take the happiness I had, the innocence, my open heart and crush it?”

But that’s life and that was part of my path.

It’s just sometimes necessary to hold a space for yourself to cry, plead, question and hold yourself with compassion like you would an injured child. Because that is what we are, injured children.

We all have stories. We all have people we need to forgive.

Small things are easy to forgive, the bigger and more devastating things that changed your life in a big way take much more time and in all honesty, it make take forever.

Today I am choosing to write about this, to remind others that it’s ok if past events in our lives can take us down for a bit.

The important thing is, we get back up, dust off our beautiful hearts and see how much stronger we are because of those times.

 

 

 

Back To That “Place” Again

Source: Back To That “Place” Again

Back To That “Place” Again

Sometimes it feels as though I make incredible progress with my dark emotions and past wounds and then all of a sudden I  fall right back to what feels like my very first time dealing with my depression.

Feeling disconnected from self is hard to explain.

I feel no connection to my life around me, everything seems difficult and looking at my future feels dark and dismal.

My mind takes over and my heart seems no where to be found.

I can feel certain emotions with people closest to me, but the minute they leave I am back to blank.

A blank canvas with invisible paint. Even if I tried, it would come out empty and so colorless.

All that I continue to work for, live for, find my purpose in slowly turns to gray and I am left confused and filled with fatigue.

Escaping this place is on the forefront of my mind, but I have no choice I have to walk through it with no directions from my soul.

I can bring on more suffering by trying to guess what got me back to this lifeless place again, what did I do?  Not do? Say? Not Say?

Will my mediation bring me back into connection with self? I am so afraid to be alone with my mind that seems to jump back and forth from being a friend to being a terrible enemy.

It’s the battle. It’s “that place”, whatever you want to call it, it’s back.

Always uninvited but when it goes away there is always something left in the form of a gift. Maybe it’s more compassion and less judgment of others.

Sometimes it’s more courage and bravery that I will keep in my pocket for the next time I fall.

And the truth is, I will always fall.

No matter how much I wish, pray or plead, it’s my lifelong struggle but I know in the deepest place in my heart, I am never alone.

Emotional Pain: Psychological Or Spiritual Issue?

“Emotional pain is not just a psychological issue; it is a spiritual issue. Depression may or may not be a disease of the brain, but it is definitely a disease of the soul. Modern psychotherapy has taken up some of the slack, and yet it too fails to deliver when it doesn’t acknowledge the soul work necessary to heal our emotional pain.” -Tears To Triumph by Marianne Williamson

I cannot tell you how many times I have debated this question.

Is my depression chemical or is it an issue of my soul and my past traumatic experiences?

When I fell into such a deep hole and felt my only solution was to take my life, anti-depressants made absolute sense to me to save me.

Now looking back at the tender age of 22 when I started to take medication I can see that I was highly addicted to drugs and alcohol (both depressants) I had major unresolved childhood abuse issues, I couldn’t speak my truth, I had stage 3 Melanoma, my parents were getting divorced and one of my very best friends from childhood turned against me.

Depressed? Hell yes. Was it chemical at that point? I have no clue. I believe I had a broken soul and shattered spirit.

Could I have made it without taking my own life if I never started the anti-depressants? Probably not, but now, over 20 years later I have and continue to work on my issues and fill my soul with unconditional love, but I’m scared to death to stop the drugs.

I am sober almost 5 years, meditate daily, practice mindfulness and speak my truth to the best of my ability but yet I am waking up and taking my thyroid medication which I was told the reason why my two other drugs, Viibryd and Welbutrin, were not working.

I can still have really dark days which almost break my heart worse because I feel like I am doing everything I can do be ok.

I will continue to do my Soul Work and work with others who have lost their way with their depression and anxiety.

My hope is one day I can live my life without any anti-depressants but currently my fear of falling into a deeper hole is bigger than my willingness to have Faith that it was in fact, my broken soul